this week i faced several challenges and i knocked em down left and right.

1.  i went back to work for the first time in .... many months.
 i've been scared, i've been lazy, i've done drugs (which we get tested for), i've been spending money not making it.  and now - its all good.
2.  i stopped smoking weed so i could do #1.  nuff said.
3.  i dealt with the rehab facility, my dood's folks & friends, and my dood all week.  though it was sooo difficult, i told him i couldn't help him.
"cut your fucking hair or go to jail....its not a tough decision.  u r gonna have to do this babe."

he ran away today and i talked him into going back.
best high on earth, and its all natural.

"u r my luvbug"
"see you in my dreams"
"always"

i feel so free.  i didn't realize how much of a burden i was carrying around. 
now i can give an honest try to my marriage and make a decision of my own.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
off to bed after a long day of work, nuthin' better.

my man has been sent to rehab.  far from home.  9 mile walk to any town.
he was told it was for 30 days....but it is an intro program (90 days) into a year long program.
he is freaking the heck out.  understandably.

gatehouse academy, wickenburg, az.
i believe he is currently at Hassayampa River Ranch.

i am unable to find any info on this place that has not been sent out by their pr firm.  no reviews, comments, etc.  it seems they have a strict control over their press.  a hold over google.  that in itself is a bit offsetting.

today the dramz went down.
 before my first day back at work in ages, after checking my voicemail....
-his mom called me.
- the facility called me.
- his sister FB messaged me.
- his bff texted me.
but no one has helped me figure out what to do.


boo,
        you feel you do not belong there,  i understand.   "there are heroin addicts here! i don't wake up in the moring and do drugs".  no you don't, and you don't do them everyday.  and i know they don't get you AT ALL.  "they wanna cut my hair"!
 --but, you are a drug dealer. and you were just involved in an extremely scary (for all of us) situation in which you could have been killed...over $....that you lost...when you were high.
       you are special, with your own spot in the world, if anyone needs separate & specific terms its you. and  you are not an addict in normal terms.   you are not physically addicted to any substance....i know this.  
--however, you have developed a lifestyle that is tuff to get out of. you have even said to me, if i live past this year... you are addicted to partying....i am too.  we all are.  why are you different? 
       ya phucked up and got caught. you were not able to create the balance that i have, i have balance in my life- you do not.  as does your sister.  this is not your fault but it is true.
--you can not have it right now, i'd love to give it to you but i am unable.


i need to know several things:

1. probation:  you can't do shit if you are in trouble, you will be always on the run.  you have been given an AMAZING opportunity.  why did your folks pick this time to send you/threaten to call ur PO ---what happened? wtf is up with that..are ur folks gonna call and tell on you?  all you gotta do is a bit of time for your folks and they will let you be.

2.  they don't know you anymore bc you don't talk to them...i can change that.  i know you are ok, i know you are capable of big shit...but you just left an incredible intense and dire situation...how is that spose to make  us feel?  how did you get the $ to pay off your debtors?  did they help you or did u pay it urself?

3.  can you stay 30 days for your folks...u owe them that.  that was what they asked and that was wht u said ud do.  i know they lied but  i wil come get u after 30 days and then they can't say shit.  u held up your end.
i think u owe them thirty days.  after that - im there.  and if by that time you want to stay, that is fine.  i will not be bothered by a wasted trip.

"i don't want him blowing it off..." says the guy. i don't care if you blow it off, no one knows you (bc you don't let them) but i know i would feel good, that u r safe.   i can pass on to ur folks if ud just show some effort.  it will make a huge difference in all of this.  i have spent so much $ i have none left and ur folks spent this to make sure you are safe for at least 30 days...id like to know you are safe for 30 days.

4. what wil u do, where wil u live?
did u sign up for school?  bc i don't believe u.
did u pay dood a deposit for June, bc i will find out.
if you did both of these, i will come get u...in awhile.

oh what to do, no sleep, much stress, and tons of heartache.
can anyone tell me if i am doing ok with this.....i feel so guilty (idk why) and just want to help him get back to good quickly.

wow, its been awhile.....i can tell just by looking at the header of my page
"impeach the president" - i will have to change that as it was directed towards George W. Bush!

xanga is such a great "diarying" place.  i come here, through the past few years in fact, when i really need a release as well as a desire to connect with others.  in an anonymous way of course;)
and when i have the time to keep up.

well i have all the time in the world now that they took my baby boy, my mister, my lil thug away from me.
weep
  weep
bawl
  pain
(a woman having an affair with a married man is a mistress....i am a married woman so i call him my mister)
my 19 year old lover was given the choice of going to rehab or having his parents call his probation officer....he made the right choice, the choice i wanted him to make BUT---
  i just looked at the program he arrived at yesterday.  the program he thinks is for 30 days.  it is a long term facility for teens ____ for 9 -12 month stays.

devastated

i can't even see straight right now....

please don't judge me, i come here to speak freely and possibly get "support" for something i can't discuss with anyone.  and maybe prevent others from making the mistakes i have.